All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
