hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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