is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
