I am in a vortex of obligation.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
