Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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