my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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