you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
