i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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