no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
