She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
