I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You may now shotgun with the bride
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
