one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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