i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
