guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
