You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
