Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
