I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
