1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
