I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
