i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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