normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
