So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
