Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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