Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
