I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
