i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
