My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You are a genius and a whore.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
