if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
