haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
