I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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