Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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