I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
