Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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