so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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