Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
