My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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