Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
