I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
