you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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