Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
