I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
