stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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