I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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