Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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