This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
