Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
