I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We talked him into tasing himself.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
