i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
