Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
