maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
