i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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